Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
