Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
