there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
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So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
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But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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