ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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