i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
