it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
