god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
