the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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