i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
