The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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