i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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