If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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