I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
