remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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