Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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