This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
