why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize