if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
