Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
