If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Girls should come with a carfax report
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
