Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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