just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
