oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
