Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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