Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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