I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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