Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
