An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I did not marry a roomba.
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