I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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