I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
