The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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