i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
