I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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