thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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