A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
only you would photoshop your dick
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
