guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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