I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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