Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
