i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
