This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
