She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
