Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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