I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
