broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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