Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
