my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
