She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
