My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Can you bring me the toilet please
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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