The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
