We're facebook friends in real life
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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