did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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