Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
