my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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