So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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