she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
