i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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