I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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