I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
