is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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