Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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